I am in absolute awe of how you work, Lord. I often sit and just think about the past five years, and I. am. amazed. You truly brought me out of such a dark place and because of that I will forever lift your name on high!
Story and praise time...
After I moved to Tennessee four years ago, I was newly pregnant and didn't know anyone here besides the two people living with me at the time. I went through depression (as gross as it sounds, I barely showered or brushed my hair. I was on anti-depressants), anxiety, panic attacks, even suicidal thoughts for about three years. It was tough having kids and going through this, the enemy made me feel guilty and ashamed. Covid happened, I gave birth during the shutdowns after a traumatizing second pregnancy (I threw up the entire 9 months, every day, all day, I could barely keep down water. I went to the hospital three separate times for vomiting blood from my throat being raw). It's truly only by YOUR hand, Lord, that either of us were healthy during or after, I thank you! I also went through heart break during this time; the enemy was coming heavy in every way, and I truly didn't have a soul there to pick me up or that I could trust (I cried often, I remember being tired of crying so much). I remember having our second baby girl and being asked if I was having more and even though I had the feelings I had, I remember seeing a vision in my head of a baby in blue with a full head of hair, and I said, "yes one more, try for a boy after two girls". I couldn't even imagine having another with how I already felt, but just six months after our second daughter we got pregnant with our third baby. I was NOT ready for three kids, especially not so close in age and just being a hot mess mentally and emotionally overall. I can be honest and say that abortion even crossed my mind for a moment. After finding myself pregnant for the third time is when I truly began to understand that my life was not mine, but YOURS, Lord! That regardless of how I felt and what I thought I could or couldn't handle, this baby deserved to live. I remember I just began to speak and ask for strength and asked if it could PLEASE be a boy. Lol. (It was a boy and it's obvious it would have been, given the vision I had, had. Anything given from you, Lord, will come to pass in Jesus name!) Being pregnant just six months after the most traumatizing one, I felt so scared. I was tired and hormonal, legitimately tired of being pregnant and uncomfortable (I don't recommend pregnancy back-to-back by the way, the toll it takes on the body is huge, at least it was for me). I think the things I missed most was sleeping on my back consecutively and not peeing myself every time I coughed or threw up, hahaha. (Motherhood knows!!) Being pregnant again with my second still so young and already having a year old, gave the enemy some more play with my mind. I felt terrible I couldn't play with them as I wanted, or rock them when I got big (I blew up fast with my third and had to wear a pregnancy belt, I had so much back and pelvic pain from my belly and him being extremely low.) I went through a lot of drama from the closest people to me at the time, my children's father was shot and almost died, so it was really just one thing after another, after another. I barely saw my mother during this all, so I really had the lack of positive/Godly support. No guidance to you Lord whatsoever, until you allowed my biological father and I to reconnect after he had been in prison majority of my life. It's only because of him and YOU in him, that I was able to let the King of Glory in! I would get up and knocked back down it felt like, BUT YOU ABBA (heavenly Father), YOU SAW ME! You showed me when people I was living with were not being true and had foul intentions behind my back, you met me right where I was, dead in sin. You showed me what LOVE IS, after I remember crying on my knees with a broken heart, yelling, "that's not love!!" You showed me what a true Father was after not having a Godly one my entire childhood. My biological father left at five years old, and my stepfather tried touching me sexually for years (I never felt comfortable even being at home). It's been only a year that I've surrendered to you Jesus, and my life has truly done a 180! I have learned to forgive those who have hurt me (myself being a big one), you've given me eyes to see and ears to hear; the dreams I've encountered of demons and them fleeing in Jesus name, the supernatural experiences no one would ever believe because they didn't see it. The ability and strength to cut toxic people off from my walk, even if it meant being alone and not having a ton of help with our children. One of the biggest lies the enemy tells me in my life is that "I can't do it." I never thought I could be a mother, I never thought I could do it without a village, but by Your mercy and strength Lord, I AM! The supernatural joy you give, the peace, it's like NOTHING else! I'm taking care of myself, the kids, keeping up on the house cleaning. Bills are being caught up (got behind in all during covid), the water leak we had, has been fixed finally, and we found a family Ministry to gather with, who are like minded believers, after twenty-six years of never going to church willingly. I just praise YOU Lord!! I couldn't have done any of this on my own will, I was down and out before You called my name! All the internal work you're doing in me, I'm not where I want to be just yet, but Glory, Jesus, I'll testify I am NOT where I was!! I can't thank you enough, so I will give thanks daily and LIVE FOR YOU, forever! I will follow you for all the days of my earthly life and the eternal! AMEN.
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